The One Where I Tell You My Story

So almost nine months ago I gave birth to two precious babies and then BAM! it slowly started. The babies were in the NICU for 52 and 53 days and I was like a zombie, never truly dealing with the events that happened. The events that lead up to their birth ten weeks early. The event of their birth or their NICU stay.  And definitely not their coming home. The trauma that happened.  I feel like I need to get these feelings out there. I need to be honest with myself and I need to get this off of my chest. Writing this I can feel the tightness in my chest. I can feel the feelings of panic and I'm hoping by writing this, these feelings will slowly go away and become less present in my day to day life.

Let's back up to the day when I found out I was pregnant with twins. It was the day before Thanksgiving in 2010 and I had been severely sick for several days and was sent to the hospital for fluids. The nurse did a routine ultra sound to check on the baby. I was barely 6 weeks pregnant. She said, "they both look great!" Ummm what? Hold your horses!  Both who? Both what? I looked at Clayton and could tell he was feeling faint. The nurse said so you didn't know you were having twins. Ha!  I was completely shocked but in a way I feel like I knew. I was so excited because it had been a dream of mine to have twins!

From the beginning my pregnancy was rough. I began getting sick around week 5 and literally almost never stopped. I was sick up until the day I had the babies. It was hard. It was rough. It was emotionally draining and this was only the first of many issues I would have with this pregnancy!

During the ice storm in 2011 I had a routine ultra sound with my high risk ob. My parents came with Clayton and I to see the babies. I was about 16 weeks pregnant. During the appointment I mentioned to the doctor that I had been feeling funny. The doctor did a sonogram and we heard the news that my cervix was shortening. I had no idea what this meant but immediately I felt scared. Basically I was dilating from the inside out. Bad bad news. The doctor laid out my options and I was so scared and nervous I couldn't make any choices.  After talking to my regular OB we decided I needed a cerclage, progesterone shots and bed rest.

About a week later I went in and had the cerclage placed. Clayton and I checked into the hospital and I was so nervous about what was going to happen. I was worried about receiving the spinal to numb me. I thought it would hurt the babies. I was so scared of the unknown. After having the cerclage I had a mini freak out. I hated the way that the drugs made my legs numb. I was hungry and wanted food and I wanted to sleep. Finally I started to feel better after I was allowed to eat and got something to help me take a nap. I was relieved when this day was over. I felt better that I was being proactive with what was going on with the babies and I was happy that it was successful even if it was a little traumatic. But now as I look back I think what was so hard about it was not having control of the situation. I was feeling so nervous about the whole thing but I felt like it wasn't up to me.

I was sent home with strict instructions to move as little as possible! It was hard to be in your house and want to do stuff to get ready for the baby but I couldn't. I was frustrated, lonely, tired, and nervous.  A few weeks later while only 22 weeks and 6 days pregnant I woke up with pain at 4:30 in the morning.

I told Clayton I was having some pain and I wasn't sure what was happening. I was scared but also I wasn't sure if it was normal. Being pregnant the first time you never really know what pains are normal and what aren't. I already had a doctor's appointment that morning so I did my best to get some more rest.

Clayton and I woke up had breakfast, got dressed and headed to the doctor.

My story continues. It is one that is worth telling. One that I need to tell. I hope you will stick around for it!